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mykola 🙃🌎🤘 @mykola

Struggling a bit with the realization that I definitely have pretty clear asperger’s syndrome, or whatever they’re calling it now.

Thinking about all of the people in my life I’ve disappointed or distressed just by being myself. Thinking about the years of confusion, of feeling broken, of feeling like I just don’t fit in the world.

Thinking of the pain of learning to fit, the trauma of shaping myself to conform to a pattern I literally can’t see.

I’m struggling.

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Particularly painful is thinking about how utterly incapable I am of providing partners with nuanced emotional support. I just don’t get it. I have to learn specific behaviors, the whole thing becomes a pantomime of care.

I do really care, I just don’t understand how to show it under certain circumstances.

@mykola If it helps: they call it "autistic spectrum disorder", as in, we're *all* on it, somewhere.
I feel for you; I suspect me too, but I'm ooold -- I've long rubbed the sharp edges off of it by now. I suppose I must have learned empathy (how I would feel in their place).
It does get easier.

@mykola your situation reminds me of how on my first silent retreat (Buddhist) I wasn't told that during the silent days, many also do not make eye contact or any social gestures. In figuring it out, I got to work through all kinds of stuff - realizing that most of the emotions that arise in any encounter are my own - projecting, imagining. It seems to me that you were such a "mirror" to others, and what they perceived in you was in fact their own stuff to examine and understand.

@mykola I'm sorry that you are feeling responsible for their misunderstanding of you. I also understand that not following social norms can be isolating. I hope that neurotypicals are coming to a greater acceptance that our wiring causes many false perceptions and it is cruel to blame others for our own issues of misperception and illusion.

@mykola (To clarify - by "our wiring" I meant neurotypicals, including myself.)

@compostablespork Thanks, I appreciate the point!

The challenge for me is that I'm just realizing this about myself kinda for the first time. It's sort of stunning, and it also is sad to me that I didn't have a nuanced understanding of this stuff before meeting my wife. I've put her through hell and back, and it's not her fault and it's not _exactly_ my fault but christ, it's hard sometimes. :-\

@mykola marriage is full of that good-hard-messy stuff - there's no better relationship (well maybe parenthood) for the opportunity to see ourselves, our ideals, and beliefs laid bare. I hope the two of you can find healing and the freedom to see one another as you truly are. Marriage is wicked hard.

@mykola that sounds really hard - but I am hopeful that it will be better to know.

@ietyler It's a lot to process, but I think ultimately I'm really glad I understand it now. It provides context to so much!

@mykola revelations beget revelations. Rooting for you.